


Bother.

by bubbysbub



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Battle of Five Armies - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 21:38:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5431739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubbysbub/pseuds/bubbysbub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It should be simple. Two extremely attractive dwarves plus Bilbo's eager interest should equal a situation quite favourable to all involved. Shouldn't it?</p><p>Of course, Bilbo might have anticipated difficulties when Hobbit courting customs met Dwarves. Nothing is ever easy when dealing with dwarves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bother.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [issaro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/issaro/gifts).



> I should probably apologise for this. It truly is atrocious....
> 
> Unbetaed. Sorry! Forgive me mine mistakes, kind peeps.

It should have been simple. Two handsome dwarves that Bilbo quite admired for many, many reasons. He'd made discreet enquiries, and it did not seem to be any sort of taboo to engage in relationships with more than one lass or lad- indeed, those he questioned seemed only too eager to encourage his interest (and there had been some near disasters trying to head off a few misunderstandings _there_ , Bilbo could tell you.

So theoretically, all he had to do was express his interest, and he'd either be rejected (hopefully not too cruelly), or better, he'd end up with two _wonderful_ lovers. 

It should have been simple.

Bilbo really should have known. 

_Nothing_ about dwarves was easy.

***

The wreaths were not shaping up to be the gesture that Bilbo had hoped for.

"Just because I said that elf lass of yours wasn't so bad, don't necessarily mean I'm turnin' into a leaf-lover," Dwalin growled, looming over a slightly cowering Kíli, and shaking the poor remains of what had been a lovely weave of Ivy and Birch twigs.

He'd had a trial of a time trying to find heather still flowering, too, Bilbo thought mournfully, eyeing the mush that had been crisp greenery when he had hung it that morning.

"I never imagined it would, Mister Dwalin," Kíli managed, eyes wide.

Thorin's reaction to the green woven wreath on his door was.... better not spoken of. Suffice to say, there had been a lot of yelled curses and angry Khuzdul, and threats against Thranduil's very existence thrown in.

Perhaps wreaths had not been the best of choice to start.

***

There were no books in the library. At least, none in Common, or in any Elvish tongue, which Bilbo had not really expected in any case. 

Well no, there were books in Common in the library, of course there were. And Elvish ones too. Books of Men and even a very old Hobbit tome on moon gardening, of all things. 

None that mentioned anything of Dwarven Courting Customs, though. 

Bloody difficult creatures. 

Right then, food was universal, surely?

If Bilbo offered them a grand feast, then surely they would understand that Bilbo would like nothing more than to begin a relationship that would hopefully eventuate into some permanent arrangement involving residing together and sharing a bed and intimate occasions together.

Food was pretty obvious. Surely.

***

He'd been _very specific_ in his invitation. He'd offered a feast to Dwalin and Thorin. Were they that damnably daft?

They brought the whole stinking Company with them!

His whole carefully crafted event had devolved into food fights and mead sloshed from one end of his fine oak table to the other, and boot prints and blunted knives beside!

_Dwarves!_

***

It was infuriating. 

Honestly, he was pretty sure there might be a chance for him with these two _stupid_ dorks, even if the signs were a little... odd. Bilbo hadn't, for example, been expecting a very naked, flexing, _roaring_ Dwalin outside his door when he opened it three mornings before. 

(Bilbo was pretty certain that his reaction was not supposed to have been a squeal and a slammed door, but by the time he had peeled his tongue off the roof of his mouth, and convinced his heart to slow from the shock, the bizarre display had obviously ended, as Dwalin had been nowhere to be seen when he had cracked open the door again. T'was a pity, since with a bit more forewarning, Bilbo might have been able to enjoy the sight a little more. There had been quite a lot of _muscle_ , oh my yes.)

It felt like there was a rather strange conversation happening in two different languages. No matter how much Bilbo tried to express his admiration to the two great lumps, they never seemed to catch on the significance of his words and actions. And there was Bilbo, always left with the sense that he had missed something important whenever they came and demanded something odd of him. Like five hours of patiently sitting quietly and attentively when they demanded he witness them forge. They always seemed so disappointed when they turned to him hours later and presented their newly crafted piece, when Bilbo would nod and smile and tell them it was very nice. If they would just give him a _clue_ , perhaps he could issue the response they were after!

And so it was back to the drawing board again.

Mistletoe! All races knew what mistletoe was for. It was perfect!

***

Not all races took mistletoe as the symbol Hobbits did, it seemed. Since they were all suitably traumatised by the experience (and nobody had yet found evidence to implicate Bilbo as the one that had hung it), the entire incident was better off forgotten and never ever spoken of again.

Ever.

***

He hadn't meant to faint. 

Oh, but honestly, in his defence, who wouldn't? This time when he had opened his door to find some breakfast, there had been _two_ very naked and flexing dwarfs. This time they hadn't been roaring, though Thorin had made a slight noise when Bilbo had shrieked in shock.

He'd had about thirty seconds to take them in - _all_ of it- and then he'd gone and fainted.

(They were very impressive. _Very_ impressive. Bilbo's heart fluttered in his chest to think of it.)

But it wasn't as if _anybody_ would not have fainted had they been in his position. He was fairly sure that wasn't the reaction they had been striving for, as when he had awoken, it was to a very resigned looking Balin and an anxious Ori, and they had not said much more than asking if he would like some breakfast.

 _Dwarves_.

***

Some clot head had been carving runes into his door. His lovely solid wooden door, with it's beautiful green paint job. Not quite a Hobbit door, but it was the best one could do when residing amongst dwarves (who insisted that doors were meant to be _squared_. 

And now his lovely cheery green was despoiled by runes.

"But what do they _mean_?" Bilbo demanded of Bofur, but his friend had buried his red face in his hat, and refused to do any more than mutter into his face-full of fur and leather. Dwalin and Thorin's names were the only very obvious words amongst the despairing, muffled rant. That and 'hopeless'.

It was enough to make a grown Hobbit scream.

***

Now, Bilbo was sure that if this were a one of the romantic tales that his da had loved -half the books in the study of Bag End were tales Belladonna would have buyers purchase in Bree for her dearest husband- Bilbo would surely be expected to dance around the subject and perhaps be mournful that his true loves did not return his subtle affections.

Bilbo was an impatient sort of fellow on the whole, however. 

Nothing for it, then, but to tackle things head on. 

***

They... both looked a little afraid, to be honest. Well. He _had_ gone the way of old Snatcher Sackville, and subtly kidnapped his beloveds.

Sort of.

At least he'd managed to lock them in a room without interruptions. Or a bloody anvil.

The ropes may have been a bit much. They had no choice but to listen, though!!

"So," Bilbo said as brightly as he could. They still looked a little stunned. "I really thought it was about time that we sorted all this difficulty out, don't you?"

"Difficulty?" Thorin asked faintly. Dwalin had managed to shake his shock off enough to work himself loose from Bilbo's knots, though he still looked quite shaken. He wasn't going anywhere, but nor did he seem up to speaking yet.

"I have no idea why you are standing at my door naked in the mornings, or making me watch you make daggers and pots, or _ruining_ my door with your chicken scratches, or threatening dwarves that interact with me, or leaving me odd metal statues of unidentified subject matter. I would hope it is the same reason that I have been baking you treats, cooking you feasts, leaving you wreaths, and hanging mistletoe-"

"YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT DREADFUL-"

"It's meant as an invitation to kiss!" Bilbo yelled back, quite frustrated at this stage. "I am _trying_ to seduce the two of you into my bed, and you are making it _very_ difficult!"

They stared. If Bilbo were not so frustrated with their utter stupidity right now, it would be amusing. There were gaping mouths and everything.

"I _told_ you," Dwalin hissed all of a sudden, shoving at Thorin with a glare. "I told you Balin was talking shit with all that chaperone business."

"How was I to know what Hobbits require in this sort of thing?" Thorin hissed back, just as impatiently. "And the claim marks were _your_ idea-"

" _You're_ the one that-"

"Right!" Bilbo said loudly, cutting a hand between their faces sharply. They jerked back as if becoming aware rather abruptly that he was still in the room. "I would like to believe that the nonsense the two of you have been carrying on with is somehow an odd attempt at a Dwarven mating ritual? A yes or no will suffice," he said sternly, when they both opened their mouths to give what Bilbo was _sure_ would be some sort of nonsensical explanation that he didn't have the patience for.

"Yes?" they both offered hesitantly, when he raised an expectant eyebrow at them.

"Good, we're getting somewhere. My own attempts were obviously a little too Hobbit to penetrate thick Dwarven skulls, so let me be clear. I, at the very least, would like to indulge in hedonistic ecstasy with the two of you, doing as many wickedly wonderful things we can conceive of to each other. At best, well, I am quite inexplicably, deeply in love with the both of you, and hoping for the whole in-it-for-life concept. Of course, I am old enough to be quite beyond the dramas of my youth, so I shall not be causing a fuss if this is something you were not interested in-"

"Are you goin' to shut it long enough for us to get a go at the kissing?" Dwalin asked idly, and Bilbo stopped talking.

"Sometimes a hobbit has to talk fast to make a Dwarf understand basic concepts," he said after a long moment of the three of them looking at each other, and not much else.

"We have listened, and we understand," Thorin said solemnly, but the clot head had the start of a smirk hiding in amongst that moustache. Bilbo was not a fool.

"Listen and understand, again, then," Bilbo said, crossing his arms across his chest with an irritated sigh. "I would like my kisses now, if it were not too much trouble!"

"In a moment," Thorin said, placing a hand on Dwalin's arm, when it looked like he were eager to leap forward to do as asked. "Don't be growling at me, I think it best we make certain everybody is aware of the terms here."

"Terms?"

"We love ya, too," Dwalin said. "Can I kiss him, now?"

Thorin opened his mouth, but then shrugged and shut it again. 

"I'm deeply in love with you, the two of you are quite attached to me also. We would all like kisses and sensational bedroom time. Is that about the lot of it?" Bilbo asked.

"That's about it," Thorin agreed, and then swooped in to bend Bilbo almost in half backwards, while laying claim to his lips in a way that had Bilbo not quite certain which direction he was meant to be standing, anyway.

"I'll explain the naked thing later," Dwalin promised, when Thorin set him swaying and gasping back onto his feet.

"I think you had better explain now," Bilbo told him seriously, though he ruined it with a loopy grin and a leer. "Best show me in great detail the naked thing again."

"We can do that," Thorin said, the two of them stripping eagerly.

They might not be the easiest creatures to court, but by Eru, they were certainly worth it.

Oh _yes_ , they were worth it.


End file.
